Not Too Kosher
A woman finds a clever way to find out how much the man pursuing her really cares.
DIANE A woman in her 60s
ROSS A man in his 60s
WAITER
SAUL’S Jewish Delicatessen in Berkeley, Ca. The play takes 20-25 minutes
| [Scene opens on Deli seating area, empty except for a bored waiter, at three o’clock in the afternoon. Diane enters immediately.] | |
| DIANE: | Can I just sit anywhere? |
| WAITER: | As long as you’re careful not to fall over the three-ring circus.
[He gives her a “help yourself” wave. Diane tries several tables for ambiance and sight lines as waiter watches, amused.] Don’t worry, the Mafia doesn’t usually come until at least five p. m. Take that booth; if they come with their guns drawn, you’ll have a chance to duck. You want lunch or dinner? |
| DIANE: | Uh—lunch? |
| WAITER: | All right, but the specials up on the board are already dinner. |
| DIANE: | [Looking at specials board.] Stuffed cabbage! I love stuffed cabbage! |
| WAITER: | If you want dinner you can order it now but the cook won’t serve it before 4. If you want lunch, just make sure you order it before 4. |
| DIANE: | Mmm, What are the penalties for infractions? Before I make up my mind, I like to know the full consequences of my actions. |
| WAITER: | Lookit, lady, I just work here, I don’t make the rules. |
| DIANE: | I think I better wait for my friend so we can both order the same meal and eat at the same time. |
| WAITER: | Something to drink? |
| DIANE: | Are the drinks the same for both meals?
[Waiter gives her a sour look.] I’ll have black tea. It is tea time. [Waiter exits. A man enters. He is also a “young senior” but unlike the woman, has a certain air of confident sexuality.] |
| ROSS: | Not too hard to spot you. |
| DIANE: | I guess this is their slow time. |
| ROSS: | Aren’t we little obvious? |
| DIANE: | Oh, well. We are the auction committee having a meeting, remember? |
| ROSS: | Still, why would you choose this place, right around the block from the Center? It’s almost guaranteed somebody we know will walk in. |
| DIANE: | Maybe we’ll finally get some help with the auction. |
| ROSS: | You’re in a weird mood today. |
| DIANE: | Don’t you want to try something a little different? Risk! Adventure! |
| ROSS: | I certainly do want to try something different, but this is not it. This is worse than usual…I can’t even hold your hand in here. I know! You’re getting back at me after the other night. You sneaky-weeky you. |
| WAITER: | [holding two menus] Lunch or dinner, Sir. |
| DIANE: | Be careful; it’s a trick question. You have to take a test to eat here. |
| ROSS: | What happens if I fail? |
| DIANE: | See, he wants to know the consequences, too. |
| ROSS: | Just bring me an egg cream. |
| WAITER: | The cook who knows how to make those is out on a break. |
| ROSS: | Will he be back before dark? Never mind, just bring me whatever she has. |
This play was written for seniors, but the truth is, they could be much younger, with a few line adjustments, since a stroke can happen to anyone. I was interested, though, in exploring the issue of sex as a part of love, and this is where I came out. I think I got the idea of the “trick” ending from a short story I was reading, and started by trying to write a play with a switch ending.