Not Too Kosher

A woman finds a clever way to find out how much the man pursuing her really cares.

DIANE            A woman in her 60s

ROSS               A man in his 60s


SAUL’S  Jewish Delicatessen in Berkeley, Ca.  The play takes 20-25 minutes

[Scene opens on Deli seating area, empty except for a bored waiter, at three o’clock in the afternoon.  Diane enters immediately.]
DIANE: Can I just sit anywhere?
WAITER: As long as you’re careful not to fall over the three-ring circus.

[He gives her a “help yourself” wave.  Diane tries several tables for ambiance and sight lines as waiter watches, amused.]

Don’t worry, the Mafia doesn’t usually come until at least five p. m.  Take that booth; if they come with their guns drawn, you’ll have a chance to duck.

You want lunch or dinner?

DIANE:  Uh—lunch?
WAITER: All right, but the specials up on the board are already dinner.
DIANE: [Looking at specials board.]  Stuffed cabbage!  I love stuffed cabbage!
WAITER: If you want dinner you can order it now but the cook won’t serve it before 4.  If you want lunch, just make sure you order it before 4.
DIANE: Mmm, What are the penalties for infractions?  Before I make up my mind, I like to know the full consequences of my actions.
WAITER: Lookit, lady, I just work here, I don’t make the rules.
DIANE: I think I better wait for my friend so we can both order the same meal and eat at the same time.
WAITER:  Something to drink?
DIANE: Are the drinks the same for both meals?

[Waiter gives her a sour look.]

I’ll have black tea.  It is tea time.

[Waiter exits.  A man enters.  He is also a “young senior” but unlike the woman, has a certain air of confident sexuality.]

ROSS: Not too hard to spot you.
DIANE: I guess this is their slow time.
ROSS: Aren’t we little obvious?
DIANE:  Oh, well.  We are the auction committee having a meeting, remember?
ROSS: Still, why would you choose this place, right around the block from the Center?  It’s almost guaranteed somebody we know will walk in.
DIANE: Maybe we’ll finally get some help with the auction.
ROSS: You’re in a weird mood today.
DIANE:  Don’t you want to try something a little different?  Risk!  Adventure!
ROSS: I certainly do want to try something different, but this is not it.  This is worse than usual…I can’t even hold your hand in here.  I know!  You’re getting back at me after the other night.  You sneaky-weeky you.
WAITER: [holding two menus] Lunch or dinner, Sir.
DIANE: Be careful; it’s a trick question.  You have to take a test to eat here.
ROSS: What happens if I fail?
DIANE: See, he wants to know the consequences, too.
ROSS: Just bring me an egg cream.
WAITER: The cook who knows how to make those is out on a break.
ROSS: Will he be back before dark?  Never mind, just bring me whatever she has.


This play was written for seniors, but the truth is, they could be much younger, with a few line adjustments, since a stroke can happen to anyone.  I was interested, though, in exploring the issue of sex as a part of love, and this is where I came out.  I think I got the idea of the “trick” ending from a short story I was reading, and started by trying to write a play with a switch ending.